Forever Young

I've always been an old soul caught in a young mind frame. Sometimes, I feel wise beyond my years, spiritually rich and in touch with a deep understanding of why it is the way it is, the psychology behind everything. Sometimes, I feel more in tune with children, desperately wishing to be one again, immature, full of dreams and hope and naive in ways. Some days, I feel so fortunate to have had such a full life at a young age, to have experienced so much of the world, raised by a big family, been welcomed into so many different friend's cultures, worked so many different jobs. I feel able to take on the world. I feel capable of whatever I'm put up to. Some days, I feel anxious that I will never figure out a path, that my indecisiveness and ability to do so many things well but nothing excellently will keep me from finding a career I love, from choosing one specific route. Some days I'm scared shitless of taking on something completely new and wonder if I have the capacity to move up in the world. Most days I know I am going to be great in this lifetime and will end up in the place I need to be, maybe through hard work but probably in my case by stumbling upon something on my way.
I am a Pisces and moreover, a dreamer so I generally believe that as long as I continue to be a good person and work hard, I will end up where I want to and should be. Maybe that is my young mind tricking me into optimism in this dark and desolate world? Maybe it is my optimism that will shine light where it is most needed?
Since I do not have a real job I haven't met many people outside of the Fudan students and because I met a lot of the students in Levy's EAP program they are who I know best. Therefore they are usually the people I call to hang out with. However, they are all in their very early 20s. I have a younger sister their age which gives me some point of reference regarding the generational differences between us. This helps but still I feel old and yet they bring out the young in me. It is so unsatisfyingly satisfying. If that makes any sense at all? I'm lapping at the opportunity to be so young and excitable about the simple things, while simultaneously I feel almost burdened by the constant urge to advise from experience but can't help myself from wanting to share too. Of course there are similarities in their EAP program here to mine in Ghana and I am enthralled by them and the differences, so I want to discuss them but I am afraid I will, in turn, isolate myself as the older one.
I am secretly enjoying living vicariously through others' first experience away from all they know so well. It's thrilling to relive studying abroad although it's not my program and I am not studying what they are, I do not have the same routine as they do every day here. I do not live in the dorms with a bunch of new international students experiencing something so foreign all together. I do not share a small room with someone new, go to class with the same people everyday who are in this new experience with me. I have not made a click of friends, I am not giggly about the new boys that I can flirt with, the new prospects that flirt with me. I am not able to call my parents for money to travel all around China or am not living off financial aid (well not completely). I am not going home after to finish school or live at my parent's house for the summer and enjoy friends, family and a part time job. I am, on the other hand, living and working here and now as an adult who already tried what they are doing, I am able to offer words of encouragement and advice and I am someone they can be on the same level with or they can choose to look up to (hopefully not down to). I am grateful to be with a group of younger, vibrant, enthusiastic, learners eager to explore and experiment. Now if only I knew what all these crazy acronyms they use mean, like dtp ("down to plow") which means, want to hook up with, and for the even older crowd, want to make out with. I have Ashley to thank for torturing me with all those NSync posters and Backstreet Boys songs, the Barney and Nickelodeon shows because at least now I am familiar with the pop culture of their youth.

Now maybe I can appreciate China from a younger perspective and I can help advise and even BE advised from a fresher outlook. Part of me being here is enjoying a life with less work and learning more about China, gaining experience living in new lands. This is allowing me to channel my youthful spirit. I fought this feeling at first, searching day in and day out for a job when I arrived and even before I left. Now I realize this is time for me to be young again, work less, explore more. I need a break so I am not so jaded by the reality of working the rest of my life. I need a chance to see things, learn about myself and channel what is next. I needed a reminder that I can be forever young.